


And You Can Have This Heart to Break

by Zetal (Rodinia)



Series: Heaven and Hell Bingo [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Crack, M/M, Multi, Neither Sam Nor Dean Believe This, Post-Season 11 AU, everyone loves Dean, everyone loves sam, the bachelor - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-13
Updated: 2019-03-13
Packaged: 2019-11-16 14:16:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18095948
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rodinia/pseuds/Zetal
Summary: Sam finds himself called up to Heaven and confronted with several risers full of angels.  Joshua "explains" that he is now starring in a bizarre version of The Bachelor.





	And You Can Have This Heart to Break

**Author's Note:**

  * For [LadyShadowphyre](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyShadowphyre/gifts).



> This came about after reading [this prompt](http://dailyau.tumblr.com/post/183405112829/my-roommate-likes-you-too-were-gonna-duel-for) and kicking around ideas with LadyShadowphyre, as we do. Every triad we considered focused on Sam, and I joked that Heaven should just run a Bachelor-style competition.
> 
> This happened. I'm not apologizing.
> 
> Written for Heaven and Hell Bingo  
> Square: Horn of Joshua

One minute Sam was in the bunker, coffee in one hand and the other on the laptop looking for a case. The next, he was in a giant white room. Thankfully, the coffee was still in his hand, and he took a nice long pull of it to cope with the rest of the situation.

“You know, when Cas talked about the angelic choir, I never pictured them looking like a high school group,” Dean said beside him. Sam rolled his eyes at the comment, but just knowing Dean was here helped a lot with coping. “Don’t suppose you have a clue why they’re standing like that looking at you? I sure hope they’re not expecting you to lead the singing.”

Sam lost the fight to hold the snort in. He did not have a clue. There were… Sam did a quick headcount…thirty of them. Some, like Castiel and Gabriel, he recognized easily. Others took him a bit longer to place, like Samandriel and Rachel. A lot of them were supposed to be dead. There were a few he didn’t even recognize. He’d have gladly given Dean an explanation for this if he had one.

A hand on his shoulder caused him to turn. “Joshua? What’s going on?”

“It’s time for the opening rose ceremony. First, it seems you don’t recognize all of our contestants, so let me jog your memory of meeting everyone.” Sam reeled a little as the memories flooded through his head. He hardly thought it was fair that meeting Castiel was in there. He knew Castiel, he didn’t need the reminder, and their first meeting was a painful memory for both of them. Meeting some of the others was much better. Several of them, he’d barely interacted with, and that during either the Castiel vs. Raphael civil war or the post-Great Fall free-for-all. That still didn’t explain why he was here, with them staring at him like this.

“Okay, I remember everyone, so… what am I supposed to be doing?” He turned to Dean. “You got anything? Because I sure don’t.”

Dean pointed at a table holding a tray of roses. “Joshua said opening rose ceremony. There’s a bunch of roses, although not as many roses as angels up there. I think you’re on one of those stupid dating reality shows Alex and Donna like so much.”

Sam stared at the roses, and then turned to Joshua. “What?”

“Has Castiel had a chance to tell you about recent developments up here?”

“No, he’s been busy hunting Lucifer. Which if Michael’s up here…” Sam turned back to Dean. “We don’t have time for some stupid reality show. We gotta get down there and find Lucifer and shove his ass back in the Cage before the freaking Apocalypse happens after all.”

Joshua shook his head. “There’s no need to worry about Lucifer. Let me catch you up. God dropped by to show off Heaven to Amara, so she could see the changes since she’d been locked away. He was rather surprised to see just how depleted it was, how badly off we were after our various civil wars. Many angels have been brought back, as you can see, including two out of four archangels.”

“There are three archangels up there,” Dean interrupted.

Joshua’s face and voice didn’t change from the interruption. “Gabriel, he rescued from the demon Asmodeus. And the fourth archangel, he’s made suitable arrangements for. There will be no Apocalypse.” Now his face changed as his lips twitched up into a small smile. “There were some who thought that Lucifer belonged on the risers with the others, but Gabriel said that if Lucifer were a part of this, then he wouldn’t be, and that anyone who truly belonged on those risers wouldn’t either. Michael backed him up.”

“Okay, so… how do they belong on the risers, exactly?” Sam didn’t want to know. It couldn’t be good. There could be no logical explanation that was good. His memories of some of these angels, including Michael and Raphael, was them wanting him dead.

“Every angel on the risers admires and respects you. Several of the angels, upon their return, expressed shock that you were still single and began making plans to attempt to correct that. This led to some conflict among us, and as I’m sure you can imagine, we’re all a little wary of that. Gabriel proposed this method to avoid that.”

Sam’s eyes swept over the risers as he tried to make sense of Joshua’s explanation. He sure didn’t remember his interactions with some of them as filled with admiration or respect. Rachel had told him and Dean off for using Castiel and then ignoring him if they didn’t need him for something. Naomi brainwashed Castiel into working against him and Dean. Dean had said she’d changed her mind and tried to save him, but Sam hadn’t been there. Hannah had always blamed him for how quickly Castiel burned through his stolen grace on the hunt for Dean.

Dean cleared his throat. “That mean you don’t admire or respect Sammy, you asshat?”

“I have a great deal of respect for Sam,” Joshua said. If he was irritated, it didn’t show. “However, I don’t believe that his being single is necessarily a problem. Some people, like me, prefer that. If Sam would prefer not to be single, I’m not the one he should choose.”

“Wait, what?!” Sam looked over the risers again, and then stared at Joshua. “Everyone up there wants to be my…?” He trailed off, unable to get it out through the incredulity.

“Your mate. Yes.” Sam’s head tried to explode. “This competition has been arranged to give as many of them a chance as possible without overwhelming you or causing conflicts. You may begin making your selections when you’re ready.”

Sam took a couple deep breaths and looked to Dean for help. Instead, he saw Dean with the biggest shit-eating grin imaginable. “Dude. I cannot wait to tell Alex and Donna you’re starring in The Bachelor: Heaven.”

So no help there. His other primary support system was standing on the risers. Sam looked toward the pile of roses, then up to the bleachers, and then to Joshua. “Before I start… offering roses… can I talk to Cas? Alone?”

“Of course.” Joshua snapped his fingers and Sam and Cas were in a separate room.

Castiel stared at what passed for floor. “I wanted to warn you, Sam, but I couldn’t. Michael and Joshua kept me busy up here until they were ready to bring you up. Please forgive me.”

“Yeah, you’re forgiven, especially if you joined Michael and Gabriel in keeping Lucifer out of this.” If Lucifer had been up there, at least Sam would have had an easy decision for who to kick out first. He’d probably do that before handing out any roses, so he wouldn’t have to see Lucifer any more than he had to. “That’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, I figured it was something like that. I want to know why you’re up there.”

Castiel looked up, squinting in confusion. “Did you not understand Joshua’s explanation?”

“I, uh…” Sam shifted his feet. “I kind of assumed that if you wanted to be my mate, you’d have said something by now. We’re friends, you’ve had plenty of opportunity…”

“I’ve hurt you worse than anyone except Lucifer, who was excluded for that reason, and possibly Gadreel. I don’t deserve a chance, but seeing my brothers and sisters fighting over you… if nothing else, I could help you find the best match. And if I was wrong, you could forgive everything I’ve done to you and allow me this chance…” Castiel shrugged. “No matter what decisions you make, I will support you as your friend.”

So it was exactly what it seemed like. “Okay. How big a problem will it be if I only give out one rose?”

“Why only one?”

“Because I’m already in love. No one else has a chance. If I only hand out one rose, no one gets led on, no one gets hurt any worse than they absolutely have to since they decided to participate in this silliness.”

“Ah.” Castiel’s gaze dropped back down to the floor. “In that case, I would recommend it. No chance for feuds to develop, or for anyone to develop stronger feelings that will never go anywhere.”

“Joshua? We’re ready to come back.” They were back in the room with everyone, where Dean now looked far less amused than he had been before Sam left. Roses could wait. “Dean? You okay?” he whispered.

“I, uh… sorry for laughing, man. Apparently I’m the plan for season 2.”

If it weren’t for the fact that he still had to hand out his rose, Sam would be on the floor right now. Perfect vengeance. “Sorry, dude. Good luck!” He stepped over to the table and picked up a rose. “Okay, everyone. Thanks for coming and I appreciate everything, but I’ve been in love for years now. Thanks to the mistakes I’ve made, the things I’ve had inside me, I never thought he could love me back, but it appears he does. This is the only rose I’m going to hand out. Castiel, will you accept it?”

The only person on the risers who looked surprised was Castiel. It took Balthazar giving him a push to get him to come down and take the rose from Sam’s shaking hands. “You love me?”

“Yeah, have since you refused to give me up to Anna.”

“Sorry about that!” Anna called down. “It would have worked, but Castiel’s right, the cost would have been too high.”

“I accept,” Castiel said. “Sam, I’m so sorry. I should have said something a long time ago.”

“It’s okay, dude. I could have, too. I get it. Come here.” Sam pulled Castiel in for a nice long hug.

Joshua raised an eyebrow. “In that case, I suppose we might as well begin season 2 immediately. One moment.” He produced a horn and blew it, announced Sam’s choice in a loud voice that had Sam covering his ears, and then blew the horn seven more times. Castiel’s spot on the risers was taken by another angel, and a few of the other angels disappeared to be replaced by others. “Dean?”

Dean shot a murderous glare at Sam, and stepped up to the roses. “Anyone who’s just here to fill out numbers, go ahead and disappear.” Sam didn’t bother trying to hide the grin at the look on Dean’s face when no one left. He understood that feeling, all too well, but it was hilarious when it happened to Dean. Most of Dean’s choices were what Sam expected – Gabriel, Balthazar, Michael, Anna, Rachel, Hannah. Raphael was a bit of a surprise, but only a bit. All the ones who appeared female. The final rose going to Gadreel was quite the shock.

Joshua blew his horn again, announcing Dean’s choices. “Thank you very much for your participation. We’ll be in touch when it’s time for the next step, Dean. Sam, Castiel, on behalf of everyone involved: we wish you only the best.”


End file.
